slaphappie:

• Never had a New Year’s Kiss.
• Never had a kiss under the mistletoe.
• Never been taken out during Christmas.

(Source: erikbeeezy)

My idea of sexy.

Sweatpants: 

Messy Hair: 

Big T-Shirts:

Baby this is why I say I love it when you are bumming around the house. This is when I find you most sexy…

(Source: im-just-another-lesbian)

I have no outlet. My body wants to run but my brain says “you can’t”. What is a truth and what is a lie? I can’t figure that out. My heart feels like its a breath away from dying. Is she telling me the truth? She’s lied before, so many times. She’s lied to my face and claimed to me it was the truth until I confronted her with hard evidence. She’s hiding from me. She won’t let me see texts, she won’t call when i’m in the room. She says its her friend. I know its not. She’s been calling and texting the same person that has always been out demise. What other explanation is there?  In psychology, there’s a theory called Occam’s Razor…which means the simplest explanation is usually the truth. She is contacting the number more times than she ever contacted her friend. That number has had major signifcance to Jessica. She doesn’t seem to care how this is eating at me. She’s more worried about defending her honor than me being able to breathe. The only way to 150% know for sure is to call the number myself. Should I? Kris would hate me forever. What would I do if I knew? If it is amanda’s we could never go back to being the way we were. If it is Jess…do I leave? confront her? secretly die? I already am. My intuition is greater than any proof. I always know. Its starting to feel like how it did before. I’m watching and waiting and wondering because i know its coming. I can’t find the strength to genuinely be myself. I can barely find the strength to breathe.

Kris screams “you don’t trust me but I haven’t given you a reason not to trust me!” No in the past 8 months you haven’t, but we also haven’t been confronted with any of this either and you aren’t doing so well. Things don’t add up, so no I don’t trust. You have burned me so many times before. Trust comes from a series of tests and obstacles where the desired or positive result stays consistant. Trust is build over time.   I want the hiding to end. I want things to line up the way they should. Days like this i want to be hugged and kissed and told its ok, but i cannot have that because I am alone. The inhaled breath only goes down so far. It still feels like I am gasping for air. Tears fall intermittantly down my cheeks. I try to hide my brokenness, but sometimes one tear must escape in order to make toom for more building up. 

The person I usually run to when i feel like I can’t breathe is MIA. I can talk to her briefly here and there, but not like how i need her. I think it may be too hurtful or painful to her and I never meant for that to happen. I know she is in love with me and I know that hurts me that I chose Kris over her multiple times.  She’s told me many timed how much she is in love with me.  I never meant  to hurt her. She’s the only person I feel that can help. She makes me feel beautiful even in my darkest hours when I feel like I’m worthless. She’s my best friend.

I think its the not knowing that kills me worse than knowing at times. I just want her to tell me the absolute truth…and for Jess to die and go to hell. How can she tell me that I’m the one she wants to be with? That I’m it for her? That she’s in love with me when i know she is lying about who she’s talking to? I don’t know whether to fight or run. I have not only me to think about, but my little girl too.

There’s so many inconsistencies. Kris looks at me with that look still. Something she couldn’t do when she was fucking around. She still holds me close. She still kisses me like it means something. She looks me in the eyes and swore on Ryleigh’s life it wasn’t Jess. Part of me believes her. The analytical part of me has a hard time believing her because of the other things i know.  I’m just very lost and confused. I’m so broken and torn inside.

I don’t know how to just let it. To wait ti out. I know time will tell everything. It always does. but i don’t know how to let it go and continue to allow myself to be in love with her and still know there’s this possibility.

“I Remember”

[Verse 1]
Wednesday, never felt so cold here
Found your letter
Didn’t know your words could hurt me still
Laying on the ground, nothing I can do
But wait it out
Creeping in, slowly wearing me down
And I remember
Changing everything I used to need
His arms don’t fit the way yours did
But at least they’re holding me
He will never leave me, he will never break me
Like you do
And he will never be you

[Chorus]
So just tonight I let you in
Close my eyes and I pretend
That it’s you instead of him
I kiss his face, hold him close
Whisper softly so he won’t know
I’m remembering you again
And I remember

[Verse 2]
Closer, closer than I like to be
Loving him and letting go of you isn’t easy
Nothing you can do, nothing he can be
Nothing I can ever say
I’ll keep you here till you fade away

[Chorus]
So just tonight I let you in
Close my eyes and I pretend
That it’s you instead of him
I kiss his face, hold him close
Whisper softly so he won’t know
I’m remembering you again
And I remember

[Bridge]
I could fight it, try and forget you
I could fight it but I don’t want to

[Chorus x2]
So just tonight I let you in
Close my eyes and I pretend
That it’s you instead of him
I kiss his face, hold him close
Whisper softly so he won’t know
I’m remembering you again

So just tonight I let you in
Close my eyes and I pretend
That it’s you instead of him
I kiss his face, hold him close
Whisper softly so he won’t know
I’m remembering you again
And I remember you